first things first: i am a real person. i am not a robot, nor am i a fictional person that recommends books and savors the thought of a dumptruck full of cadbury eggs crashing in front of the store. i tend to work nights later in the week, so if you are so inclined to swing by and chat, please do...but also buy one of my staff picks. they're neat-o.

on to business! i want to write those synopsisisisisisi on the back covers and book jackets of all those tasty pieces of literature. i think i can sum up a book in the span of two paragraphs. heck, i could make it sound like bloody "Tale of Two Cities" in ONE paragraph! WITHOUT AN AUTHOR PICTURE TO ACCOMPANY IT! i allude to the jacket photo merely because i am currently vapidly in love with marisha pessl. i think we should be pals.

and in another addition earth-shattering, jello-shaking, tear-jerking, belly-jumbling addition of "Hypothetical Author Brawls," i'm currently pondering the merits of a rachel ray/chuck palahniuk fight. let's break this down logically (which would be a first:

1) palahniuk has the build comparison down, considering the fact that he is 5'11, and i think ray is 3'7. or something.
2) there's something about rachel ray's plucky demeanor that has me thinking she is just a gritty, down-and-dirty street fighter. is it the smile? the hair? the cooking prowess? all of the above. sure, palahniuk wrote "Fight Club," but c'mon. "30-minute Cooking with Rachel Ray"? you can't fight that, son!
3) in the secret moves department, i think it's a wash between ray's beautiful tae kwon do and palahniuk's fearsome jiu-jitsu. you'd be surprised how much you learn about an author when you watch them in illegal cage matches in saigon.
4) with the intangibles taken into consideration, i give the edge to palahniuk. read his memoir "Stranger Than Fiction," and you'll see what i mean.


















the winner? not even a close one: chuck palahniuk! i mean COME ON, amigo! the dude wrote "Fight Club"! F-I-G-H-T C-L-U-B! if rachel writes a book called "Uber Knife Wielding," then maybe we can talk.